EPISODE CCXVIII - DAVID DUKE'S TANNING BOOTH NIGHTMARE




Lt. Scott eyed the enlisted workers worriedly, acutely aware of what happened to young, attractive officers during a mutiny.  Seeing his discomfort, Schultz waved him over.

"Don't worry, Number Two", the science officer remarked, trying ease his subordinate's mind, "these men are highly trained specialists, with a great deal of technical training.  I'm certain they realize that the Commander meant no harm."

"I suppose you're right", the lieutenant replied, relaxing considerably.

"Of course I am", Schultz assured him blandly.  "Though, in the future, you may want to consider wearing a uniform that doesn't fit quite so snugly."

Reed cleared his throat authoritatively over the ship's intercom system.  "Attention crew members of the USS Escort", he began.  "This is your Commander speaking.  It seems that some of you took offense to our earlier audio drama."

The others eyed him as he spoke, all doubting the success of his improvised course of action.  "In actuality, the entire conversation was a scripted out dialogue that we, the administrative staff, put together for your entertainment", he explained.  "Unfortunately, one of my staff failed to send the notification to the department heads, and thus, you were all taken by surprise.  I do apologize for any confusion this may have caused", he continued,  "and assure you that the party responsible for this error will be severely punished."  He smiled and gave Proteau a thumbs up.  "In conclusion, I'd like to express my sincere apologies, and assure you that we officers have only the highest respect for our subordinates,  and hold each of you near and dear to our hearts.  Thank you."

He took his index finger from the button, lifted it to his mouth, blew on the tip, and replaced it in its imaginary holster.  "Who's the man?", he asked rhetorically.

Mr. Proteau reluctantly spoke.  "Sir, do you really expect them to buy your explanation?"

"Certainly", Reed replied confidently.  "Why wouldn't they?"  He began pressing numbers on the keyboard in front of him, bringing up surveillance cameras for several different areas.  In each image crew members were dropping wrenches, cooking utensils, or combat knives and embracing one another enthusiastically.

Proteau regarded the scenes dubiously.  "No offense, sir", he remarked, "but that was one of the lamest excuses I've ever heard, yet the entire crew seems to have accepted it with vigor."  He slowly shook his head.  "I do not understand."

"Must be something in the water", Reed replied with a wink and a knowing smile.  The others looked up suddenly as they realized he wasn't kidding.

"Are you saying that the crew's water supply contains some sort of mind controlling chemical", the security officer asked once he was able to find his voice.

"I'm not saying anything, Mr. Proteau", Reed responded as he adjusted his uniform.  "I'm simply pointing out that many of our enlisted personnel happen to be quite open to suggestion."

The security officer swallowed hard.  "But we also drink the water, sir."

"That is correct, Mr. Proteau", Reed acknowledged.  "However, we have also taken the pill that counteracts the suggestive serum."

Proteau shook his head.  "I don't recall ever..."

"The big pink one we took just before departure from the SF-14 Space Station", the commander prompted.

"But they said that was for..."

"Diarrhea", Reed finished with a chuckle.  "That way we know everyone will take it", he explained.  "Nobody wants the squirts in space."

There was no arguing with that.  VanTedly, whose skewed face denoted great thought, looked up with concern.  "I didn't take that pill."

"No, you didn't", Reed admitted.  "Because of your low gag reflex, your fear of needles, and the fact that you didn't like the flavor of the liquid form, we introduced it to your system from, shall I say, a different direction."

"Oh", the ensign replied, brightening considerably.  "Hey, wait a minute!", he exclaimed, "they said that was to make me, you know", he muttered self-consciously, "regular."

"I doubt the medical technology exists to accomplish that.", Reed observed dryly.  "Still, your body does contain the antidote."

"I ay ant kay eelieve bay is they", Eve-Stay croaked, shaking his head dismally.

"You haven't seen anything yet", Reed replied, misinterpreting the alien's meaning.  "Watch this!!"  He jabbed his finger back down onto the button, a toothy smile spreading across his face.  "Space Fleet rocks!!", he yelled into the microphone.  On the screen, crew members began jumping and waving their arms.   Their cheers resonated throughout the ship as Reed looked on triumphantly.